Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
