She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
