she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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