ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
