Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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