There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
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officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
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Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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