How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
