i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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