Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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