I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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