we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
