I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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