I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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