life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
