i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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