he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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