I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
