Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you will always have a special place in my vag
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
