need another drink. this is the easiest way
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
