I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
