I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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