Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
