There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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