69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
