I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
