gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
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I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
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It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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