xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
