i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
