smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
