I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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