if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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