I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
