wanna go halves on a baby?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
