i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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