I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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