New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
