call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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