So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
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I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I want a musical about memes.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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