Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
