You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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