i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
