I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
