I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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