i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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