So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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