Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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