I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
