It's like God shit irony all over that family
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
