I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
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i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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