come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
