youre lurking in front of me
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
