The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I think a kid would responsible me up
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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