I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
