I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
