very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
