His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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