Apparently you make a good broom.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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