If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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